Thursday, July 21, 2016

Frustration and Excitement..... my stomach is not happy about these butterflies.

I'm frustrated.

I'm frustrated with my inability to figure this whole dating/relationship thing out on my own.

I'm frustrated that I'm so halting and scared to just tell someone something. I'm frustrated that I can't just be honest. I'm frustrated that being honest and upfront about your feelings results in being called to attached or in outright rejection. I'm frustrated that I allow my past experiences to dictate how I proceed in the now. And I'm frustrated that my fear of hurt is keeping me from something I want.

I project a very independent, confident, and strong face to the world. And that face isn't untrue. In so many ways I am all those things and more. And I know it. I am attractive physically and intellectually. I know this because I'm told this so often. I'm a role model ( not that I like the idea of being one. ). I find something I want to do, I grab ahold of it, and fear be damned, I jump in!

But, I'm am so lost when it comes to romantic relationships. I'm so lost. I spent most of my 20s in a series of relationships that I was in out of necessity or desperation, attempting to not be alone. I needed the validation that I was worth something and I found that in men. And those men were easy to find. I jumped right in. A serial dater. I didn't go more than three months without someone to call 'boyfriend'. They weren't always healthy relationships ( almost none were ) but they were relationships and I needed them to feel valid.

I left my ex 4 years ago after 6 1/2 years together and 2 months shy of our wedding day. I was 30 years old. I don't regret it, but I also thought that I would find someone to truly SHARE my life with. And 'share' is the key word. I'd spent my life trying to fit into other people's lives and I lost my own. I didn't expect to be single at 34, my 30s consisting of short term hook ups never getting past the third meeting, or date if you want. The few ( and I mean very few ) that have gotten past that point have turned into long term hook ups or just fizzled out. In four years I have yet to find something truly substantial with someone who truly excites me. I would go so far as to say I haven't found anything truly substantial and exciting with someone in a decade, or in my life. Until I woke up one day and realized that that someone is right in front of me.

I found myself being in a place where I knew he would pass by on purpose, even when I didn't need to be there. I found myself looking at the clock to see the time and figure out whether I'd missed him. I found myself waiting around longer than I needed to just in case he came by. I found myself being late for events because he had stopped by and I didn't want to end the conversation. I found myself searching for sonething to talk about just so I could be around him.  And it took me a long time to realize that I was doing this. And I've never done this in my life. I have never wanted to see someone so much in my life.

I'm excited. I'm giddy. There a butterflies in my tummy just thinking about him. I smile at the thought. This is something substantial, and this is something exciting. I'm sure of it.

And I'm terrified of this. And I'm frustrated that I'm terrified. I'm frustrated that I am over thinking this. And I'm frustrated that I agonize over every word, every message I send. This isn't me. This isn't who I am, is it?

Is this how it's supposed to go? Aren't you supposed to just know?

" If they like you they'll make an effort, " But what about my side? Do I just sit back and wait for that 'effort'? Or does that saying swing both ways? Should I not also make an effort? What does 'an effort' look like? What is too much effort?  What is too little? What if I step over that line? Or what if I don't come close enough to it? I have been accused of being both ' too attached ' and ' too aloof ', most often the latter. When do I know if he's just not interested? When do I know that he is interested? How do I know? And what do I do when I do know?

" Don't worry about it.  It'll just happen. "  Nothing ever ' just happens '.

I'm so lost, and excited, and terrified, and excited. But, I have no idea what to do with any of it.

I have never wanted to get to know some one more than I want to get to know this man. I've never wanted to be close to someone as much as I want to be close to him. And I have never wanted to kiss someone as badly as I want to kiss him.

And I have no idea what to do.